


Runaway

by GK7



Series: JJP short aus [4]
Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Idols, M/M, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:54:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22893610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GK7/pseuds/GK7
Summary: Jaebeom decides to win Jinyoung's love back when he realizes that Jinyoung is his soulmate, but it's too late...Or is it? Jinyoung seems to have forgotten but Jaebeom is sure he’s in there somewhere in Jinyoung’s heart still. Will Jaebeom be able to draw the truth out? Will the truth end up in reuniting the two soul mates or will Jaebeom be forced to accept that their souls have been broken apart forever?Disclaimer: Inspiration from real life events have been taken but the dialogues and timeline have been manipulated heavily to fit the narrative. In no way must any part of this story be taken seriously or compared to the actual events they’ve been inspired by.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Series: JJP short aus [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1773349
Comments: 12
Kudos: 92
Collections: JJP Big Bang





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I faced some technical difficulties during posting so I'm including all 3 chapters in one. But they're labeled accordingly.  
> Timeline (hope this helps :D):  
> 2019 - current - Jaebeom trying to win Jinyoung back.  
> 2018 - Jaebeom broken up with his girlfriend, finally coming to terms with his feelings for Jinyoung, Jinyoung supposedly moved on.  
> 2017 - Jaebeom dating but a confused mess. Jinyoung coming to terms with Jaebeom dating.  
> 2016 - Jaebeom in abject denial. Jinyoung's feelings at their peak and he's beginning to realize.  
> 2012 - They're both clueless but hinting at something more.

Chapter 1  
2019  
Jaebeom rolled onto his back, his mouth open, breathing heavily. He placed a hand on his heart, feeling his heartbeat slowly return to normal. It felt like he had run a mile without taking a single breath. He wanted to savour it, didn't want to think about the meetings and schedules and the packing for the European leg of their world tour. All he wanted to do was lie here forever in this soft bed with one hand placed on his heart and the other holding Jinyoung, lying next to him.

  
He could hear Jinyoung still gasping for breath and he felt a sense of warm accomplishment. Jinyoung deserved every happiness that Jaebeom could give him and more. Jaebeom loved to see him like this, pink faced, breathless, the hair on his forehead damp with sweat and the dazed look in his eyes for the few moments he forgot every worry that had dared to darken them. Jaebeom turned onto his side, he'd savour every moment of Jinyoung coming slowly back down to earth. To Jaebeom, and the love in his eyes.

  
But as soon as he turned towards him, Jinyoung turned away, and was already sitting up on the edge of the bed with his back to him, pulling his pants on. Jaebeom's heart stopped for a moment as he looked at Jinyoung's beautiful back silhouetted against the dim sunlight falling in through the curtained window.

  
And then he sighed heavily before getting up himself, facing the other side of the bed as he pulled on his own pants. Of course, Jinyoung was already on his way to the shower, already thinking about getting to Headquarters on time, already a million miles away from Jaebeom as he pulled on his serious actor mask, and already calculating the minutes he would be spending on grooming every inch of his body before they appeared infront of the cameras always waiting for them outside the company headquarters.

  
Jinyoung was a professional, his fans were important to him and he would do anything to keep them happy. All this, while Jinyoung hadn't looked at Jaebeom once, hadn't thrown a single glance, hadn't even said a word. All Jaebeom could think of, as he sat still trying to collect himself, were Jinyoung's eyes. Jinyoung's eyes looking up at him with desire, arms pulling him close, thrusting his body towards Jaebeom, pinning him to the wall, gasping out Jaebeom's name, almost commanding Jaebeom to take him as soon as he had shown up at Jinyoung's door. In those moments, Jaebeom let himself forget that all Jinyoung wanted was physical intimacy, that Jaebeom's love so evident in his eyes meant nothing to him - not the love, not the longing, not the sadness, not the regrets, nothing.

  
And Jaebeom had learned to be okay with that. Not that he needed Jinyoung to put it into words, they had always been like that, guessing almost to a supernatural level what the other wanted. Having lived together for so long, all seven of them were attuned to each other’s emotions more than words.

But Jinyoung seemed to have killed that part of himself that had always been so aware of Jaebeom, the part that responded to words Jaebeom hadn't even said out loud. Jaebeom would have even accepted a cold, "Make sure the door is locked behind you when you leave." But no, Jinyoung wouldn't even give him that today. Jinyoung prided himself in being in control. A bit too much. A self-control that was especially potent against Jaebeom these days.

  
And Jaebeom just let him. He had learnt to accept the fact that the only place Jinyoung relinquished all control to him was in bed. Jaebeom could have his way with him and do whatever he wanted. But almost as soon as they were done, as soon as Jinyoung's mind cleared and his brain restarted, his first instinct was to push Jaebeom away from him as far as possible. And Jaebeom put up with it. Because he had to. Because it was redemption. Because it was what he deserved after what he had done to Jinyoung.

2017

"Hyung?"

"Jinyoungie..."

Two words and a moment's eye contact - that was all it took, and nothing more needed to be said. It had always been like that between him and Jinyoung. They didn't need words to communicate what either was feeling at any given moment. If Jaebeom was in danger of losing his temper, like he used to before their debut, he only had to glance at Jinyoung, and Jinyoung would step in to calm down the situation. If he was happy, he only had to make the slightest, accidental eye contact with Jinyoung and that boy would already be beaming back at him.

Jinyoung wore his heart on his sleeves. Jaebeom always considered it a bit annoying, perhaps out of jealousy, how easily Jinyoung could express his love to anyone he deemed worthy and be loved back almost without exception. Almost, because Jaebeom was that one exception. Jaebeom had sense, had discretion. He knew what it was like to get too attached to someone, especially in a field like theirs. But now, when his heart, his head, his entire being was screaming that he was in love, he only had to look at Jinyoung and the younger boy's heart was breaking into a million pieces right before his eyes.

"Hyung?"

"Jinyoungie..."

And Jinyoung turned around and ran - away from the Han riverside which they both loved, away from Jaebeom who stood rooted to the spot watching him, an arm still extended out towards him and away from the fact that Jaebeom had just confessed his feelings to a woman at this very spot.

The first thing Jaebeom could think of when his now girlfriend left was to call Jinyoung. They had spent a major part of the year working together, just the two of them and their producer, cramped inside a studio making music for Jsync’s (the name of their duo) new album, a much anticipated comeback considering it was five years too late.

It was so easy to slip back into that routine of having only one other person to take care of, to only think about one person’s schedule matching with his, to only think about Jinyoung whenever he wanted feedback on some lyrics he wrote or a tune he’d composed. But then 7for7 (their group) was to have another comeback in late 2017, Jaebeom wondered how he could ever survive without the rest of the members – Mark’s quiet solidity, Jackson's energy and wit, Youngjae’s heartfelt laughter, Bambam and Yugyeom’s crazy banter...

And Jaebeom had felt his ties with Jinyoung loosen again, not to break away completely but to include the rest of the members back into their midst, members who were their brothers in every principle of that word.

Yet somehow, Jaebeom didn't know how, something had drawn Jinyoung to the riverside that evening too. Jaebeom saw him walking on the pavement along the river’s edge with his flip-flops in one hand and a book (that Jaebeom recognized as his own) in the other, looking carefree and content.

Somehow, Jaebeom didn't know how, Jinyoung had felt Jaebeom's eyes on him and he had looked up to find Jaebeom looking back at him with both excitement and wariness. Before Jaebeom could even form a coherent thought, Jinyoung was already waving at him and quickening his pace, glancing at his girlfriend's retreating figure curiously as he walked towards Jaebeom. The very next moment it seemed, Jinyoung was standing before Jaebeom.

And somehow, Jaebeom didn't know how, Jinyoung's radiant smile was slowly turning into confusion as he took in the flush on Jaebeom's cheeks, his reddened ears, his ecstatic grin and the dazed look of one intoxicated with love.

And in that moment, in that fateful moment when Jinyoung said, "Hyung?" in the form of a question and Jaebeom answered with "Jinyoungie...", about to launch into his news, Jaebeom saw Jinyoung's eyes well up with tears.  
And he knew, he knew then that he didn't need to say it, he knew then that Jinyoung had guessed everything, he knew then that he had just shattered Jinyoung's heart into a million pieces and he knew then that there was nothing he could do about it.

Jinyoung had already known Jaebeom had been dating around, content in the knowledge that no woman could replace him in Jaebeom's life. What Jinyoung didn't know was that Jaebeom had been going out with the same woman for weeks now. That he’d fallen head over heels, that he’d felt his infatuation grow into something more solid, and something that went beyond her beautiful appearance and attractive personality.

So he had confessed the intensity of his attraction to her. And she had said that she felt the same. They'd finally decided to make it official, albeit secret, as was normal for idols.  
But somehow, that exciting evening had ended in pain, when Jaebeom realized that he had just broken his best friend's heart.

Unknowingly? He wasn't too sure. He had known Jinyoung like the back of his hand, he knew Jinyoung's feelings for him had moved beyond simple brotherly love. But he had been sure that all Jinyoung felt for him was an innocent, little crush. Why would Jinyoung, whom Jaebeom considered smart and collected even if he was emotional, feel anything more than that for him? Why would he risk his career, his friendship, and their society's norms to actually fall in love with Jaebeom?

Yes they were shipped together a lot, had been ever since they debuted as a duo five years ago, but that was a normal part of idol life. They’d known each other since before debut, trained together, lived in the same dorm with other boys their age. Jaebeom had always felt that Jinyoung’s soft spot for him was but natural – they’d started their journey together, they were similar in nature yet polar opposites in so many ways that they balanced each other out. Like Yin and Yang.

Jaebeom had always thought that Jinyoung just wanted an older brother to look up to, not having one of his own, and even though Jaebeom wasn’t ready to take up that role voluntarily, he didn’t think it was out of the ordinary to let Jinyoung call him Hyung or Hyungie in such a familiar manner, making it sound like a term of endearment rather than respect.

However, slowly but surely he'd begun to realize that maybe, Jinyoung's intentions weren't so brotherly after all. Yet Jaebeom refused to acknowledge it for as long as he could. Perhaps he was projecting because of his own confused feelings, perhaps he was afraid of losing that one thing he actually felt passion for, perhaps he was scared of himself falling in deeper than he'd meant to…

Yes they were compatible, yes the fans wanted to see them together but that was all a part of idol life. A fantasy that could shatter all their dreams once people realized it had turned into something real. Or so everyone around them seemed to think. They'd almost had a scandal a couple of years ago, and the duo involved had been fired discreetly. Abandoned and forgotten by the public too. Not many people in the company even spoke their names, unless it was as a warning to new trainees who seemed a bit too close.

That was the ironical nature of idol life. People loved shipping members together but same gender love was still widely unacceptable in their conservative society. The society loved Jsync, but were they ready for Jaebeom with Jinyoung?

Nobody knew, and nobody would risk finding out, ever. So he knew he had to wake Jinyoung up before his crush grew into something more dangerous. He'd been delaying the inevitable for a while now, avoiding confrontation, subtly rejecting Jinyoung's touches then giving in to them, initiating his own out of guilt (or some other emotion out of his control that he did not want to acknowledge).

Jinyoung was hardworking, disciplined, wilful, ambitious but Jaebeom couldn’t deny that he was also docile, attractive, pretty even, something he was ready to acknowledge in public every chance he could but never personally, never to Jinyoung directly, never to himself, never to his own heart…

Because, fact of the matter was, even though he was a healthy young man with good eyes and a good appetite, he was also confused and scared. He'd always been attracted to both genders, but the society he grew up in would never accept him being in love with another guy. It was as simple as that. He wasn't even sure if the rest of the members would.

If word got out, if people got even a hint, they would lose everything they'd both sacrificed so much for. There were always people around them ready to sell any information possible to sasaengs or gossip hungry media for a price. The whole enterprise of the Kpop industry was heavily dependent on social media. One post, one picture, one recording was all it would take to crumble down everything they'd built. It wouldn't just affect him and Jinyoung, it would affect all the members. It would start an international debate if they were fired, or a local outrage if they weren't.

So he had to distance himself from Jinyoung as much as possible, only touch him or look at him for fanservice and nothing else. Yet, he wasn't a robot who could act indifferent all the time, often he found himself flinching or outright shoving away Jinyoung's touches playfully. If it came out as rudeness or what fans liked to term as his “Tsundere” personality, so be it.

He hadn't planned on falling so hard for his girlfriend in the meantime. Yes risks were involved even there, but they could be managed. Idols dated secretly all the time. Even if word got out, it could be handled one way or another. And it wouldn't really affect the rest of the band. He would apologize, announce breaking up with her and pretend to move on. His girlfriend knew the risks involved and she'd assured Jaebeom she was willing to take them. Jaebeom had been so relieved. His heart couldn't really accept treating someone so callously at the first sign of trouble. But she had comforted him with such calm and maturity that he had begun to hope. All he had to do now was break it to his group and hope they loved him enough to be his secret keepers willingly.

He didn't know then that the first person he'd meet, right after confirming his relationship was a member of his group, and that too Jinyoung - without any preparation and without having summoned the right words to assure him of his discretion.

But, even so, he had never expected Jinyoung to break like that, especially not because of him. Yes he knew Jinyoung was sensitive, delicate, no matter how much he had learnt to hide it behind his serious actor facade these days, yes he knew Jinyoung was impressionable, that he gave his heart away too easily, his heart that had been thrust into Jaebeom's inexperienced hands ever since that first day they had miraculously won the audition together eight years ago. But Jaebeom hadn't know the intensity with which Jinyoung had loved him, had failed to see that no matter how many women he dated, Jinyoung had marked him as his own, failed to see that by binding himself to another, he would break Jinyoung apart completely and turn him into something unrecognizable.

It was all in his eyes, Jaebeom would never forget Jinyoung's eyes from that moment until his dying day, filled with hopelessness and despair as Jinyoung realized what had happened, as Jinyoung realized how cruel fate could really be, that there might be one person who could not love Jinyoung back the way he loved him. That one person whose love, Jaebeom realized, had meant everything to Jinyoung.

Jinyoung was probably halfway to the dorm already, probably running back to the sanctuary of his private room next to the maknaes, but in his heart, he was probably a universe away from Jaebeom already, away from their friendship, away from the unwavering confidence he had built in his heart that Jaebeom did, in fact, love him the way he loved Jaebeom - not as a brother, not as a best friend but as a man loves another man.

One month into his new relationship, Jaebeom began to realize why he had really fallen for his girlfriend. She was calm, mature, understanding, collected and ambitious, with a hint of playfulness and wilfulness that came out at unexpected moments and caught him off guard. She had her own taste in art, books and music but she was more than willing to broaden her horizons and share his preferences, his taste, his world. She was a university student herself, yet always eager to learn from him, and he felt that he had never met a more fascinating woman in his life.

In short, he had fallen for her because she was not Park Jinyoung in body but she was Park Jinyoung in every other way possible. He had sub-consciously been trying to replace Jinyoung with a female version of him and realized that it had worked better than he’d thought was possible - she could successfully hold his attention away from Jinyoung, make him forget for hours on end of the constant nagging in his brain to solve “the Jinyoung problem” as soon as possible, help him harden his heart against Jinyoung’s increased silences both on and off camera, ignore the weird tightening in his chest whenever Jinyoung leaned into Mark or Jackson or the maknaes.

It wouldn’t have bothered him normally, not to this extent at least, but with the knowledge that Jinyoung was doing it on purpose came the knowledge that it wasn’t for Jaebeom’s eyes. It was all so Jinyoung could hide his pain from himself. Jaebeom realized that Jinyoung was hurting, hell he was hurting himself watching Jinyoung play up his giggles whenever the camera turned to him, mellow down his savagery towards the maknaes, strain himself to joke around normally with Jaebeom whenever the camera turned on them, try to avoid sitting next to Jaebeom, try to avoid the unconscious touches between them that used to be second nature before. All Jaebeom could do was close his eyes, take deep breaths and tell himself again and again that he was doing all this to protect Jinyoung’s heart, to protect whatever friendship they had left, that it was all going to be okay, that Jinyoung would forget.

And boy was he right.

He had noticed Jinyoung leaning on him more after 7for7's previous comeback, initiating touches more, voicing his affections more, like he missed them being alone, cocooned in their own world of comfortable silences, knowing looks and warm touches. It had all come to a head during their preparation for Jsync, with their increasing proximity during recordings and dance practices. And Jaebeom panicked, because despite all the warning bells going off in his head, he kept faltering, kept giving in to Jinyoung’s warm gaze, his words, his touch, he felt his own traitor hands stray to Jinyoung’s lower back more intimately than they should, sneaking in subtle whiffs of Jinyoung’s cologne, rubbing the back of Jinyoung’s neck soothingly whenever he made one of his corny jokes, smiling his toothy grin like a teenager with his first crush.

And so he had tried to step back in the only way that made sense to him, tried to convince himself that he felt nothing, tried to put more physical distance between him and Jinyoung, and tried to date around casually to distract himself. All he had ended up doing was to find himself a steady girlfriend who he realized, a bit too late, was more or less Park Jinyoung's female nemesis. In short, he'd just ended up making a mess of everything in general.

But Jinyoung had now taken it upon himself to finish what Jaebeom had started. He had begun leaning away so far back that the already loosened string between them had snapped without Jaebeom realizing it.  
And then, karma played its biggest hand against Jaebeom, because a year later, one week before his birthday, Jaebeom woke up in sweat, as if from a nightmare, to realize that Park Jinyoung was his soulmate.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

2012

“Hyung?”

“Hmm?”

“Have you ever had sex?”

Jaebeom choked on his ramen. Jinyoung slapped his back and ran to get water. As Jaebeom drank quietly, his eyes watering and still coughing occasionally trying to clear his throat, Jinyoung began again,

“So?”

“So what?”

“Have you done it?”

Jaebeom chose to busy himself with his food again. But was it ever possible to dismiss Park Jinyoung so easily?

“HYUNG, HAVE YOU HAD SEX?”

“Aish! Jinyoung keep it low, I heard you the first time!”

“So?”

Jaebeom sat still, staring at Jinyoung, wondering what in the world he was up to.

"I-I don’t know."

“What do you mean you don’t know? You've either done it or you haven’t. Don't be dense on purpose.”

“Fine, I have. What of it?”

“Despite the dating ban?”

Jinyoung's eyes were almost round with surprise. And Jaebeom felt the conversation getting out of hand, assuming it had ever been in his control in the first place. Nothing ever was, when it came to Jinyoung.

How the hell did he come up with the most unexpected questions when they were just hanging out in the dorm during their rare free day between practice, interviews and photo shoots, was beyond him. They were gearing up to debut Jsync's first ever single and spent more than enough hours of the day receiving instructions, practicing how to smile and pose and answer difficult, sometimes downright weird questions. This was their one day to let it all go, to not have to worry or think deeply about whatever they were about to say.

But trust Jinyoung to not follow protocol, annoying brat that he was. Jaebeom let him get away with it almost all the time now and Jinyoung took advantage of that whenever he could. He knew Jaebeom was trying to practice more self-control when it came to his temper and for some reason, Jinyoung was determined to make it as difficult as possible by being more stubborn, demanding and downright obnoxious.

Jaebeom sighed heavily, reminding himself of the last session with his counsellor on how best not to blow up when he felt backed into a corner.

“No, not after debut. Before that, during training.” Jaebeom hoped Jinyoung would just let it go then. But of course not.

“How was it?”

“That's a pretty personal question.”

“I'm a pretty personal friend. Answer it Hyung, please!” 

"Why do you wanna know? It's not like you can date.”

“I'd like to, one day.”

“Then ask me when that day comes.”

“You'll forget the finer details.”

“Why would I forg..?”

“’Cuz you’re a stickler for rules. Don't think you're gonna do it anytime again soon.”

“I could if I wanted to.”

“I'm not saying you couldn't. I'm saying you won't.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Do you?”

Jaebeom hesitated. That was the problem with Jinyoung. No conversation ever remained on one page. Things went from zero to hundred within minutes. Most of the time Jaebeom could handle it. But he was really tired right now.

“Hyung?”

“What?”

“Do we have a bet?”

Every instinct in Jaebeom's body wanted to say yes. He was his own man, wasn’t he? He wasn’t some company puppet. He could do whatever the hell he wanted, do whoever the hell he wanted.

“No.”

“Why not?” Jinyoung was almost whining. “Are you chicken?”

And again, Jaebeom's instincts clawed at his insides. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, clenched his jaw and remembered his promise to his mother. He would not lose control again.

“No I'm not chicken.”

“Then why not.”

“Because...it’s not right.”

“What, having sex or breaking the rules? Both reasons sound a bit, you know...”

He didn't finish the sentence and Jaebeom didn't need to hear the word chicken once more so he decided to throw caution to the winds.

“We can't break company rules so blatantly. These rules are there for a reason. There's too much risk involved. And it's not right to have sex for a bet either. You should do it only if you mean it.”

“What if you meant it and also won the bet?” said Jinyoung, completely ignoring the rest of Jaebeom's words.

“That's not possible. Your intention is corrupted from the beginning. Would you like it if someone did that to you for a bet?”

“But what if I really like that person and wanna date them for real?”

Where the hell was this coming from? Jaebeom was clueless.

“Answer my question first Nyoungah.”

“N-no.”

“Good.” Jaebeom sighed in relief.

Jinyoung often said things to Jaebeom that he obviously didn't mean, but then he had a bad habit of defending his point until they were both shouting at each other at the top of their voices and the sound of two bedroom doors slamming shut shook their dorm. Jaebeom had learnt the hard way that if they were ever going to learn to work together, they needed to have fewer arguments which meant one of them had to back down. And since Jaebeom was the older of the two, their managers expected him to take the lead.

Initially he had rebelled. But then he had realized that there were things more important than winning an argument against Jinyoung, and maybe their arguments were just an excuse to take out their work frustrations on each other. As idol trainees, they were working harder than many teenagers their age and it often took a toll on them. They were required to man up and accept hurdles, setbacks and failures before they were even ready to commit fully to their new lives.

Ever since Jaebeom had been made the unofficial leader of Jsync, he had not only been responsible for representing their duo during public events but also, somehow, found himself responsible for setting a good example on Jinyoung. Even though Jinyoung was born in the same year, he was still eight months younger, still naive and still impulsive. Not that Jaebeom wasn't.

But as time went by, Jaebeom found himself becoming more and more cautious with his words, his gestures. If he said something inappropriate accidentally, his eyes flew immediately to Jinyoung and he was filled with shame at what the boy must be learning from him.

Not that Jinyoung made it any easier. He liked to nag. Once he began, it was well-nigh impossible to get him off Jaebeom's back. He was the most curious boy Jaebeom had ever met, and having grown up as an only child Jaebeom wasn't exactly experienced in handling a dongsaeng 24*7.

The reason Jaebeom didn't mind it so much anymore though was because, having lived with Jinyoung for a while now he'd noticed how despite behaving like a bratty kid sometimes, Jinyoung was hard working, caring, disciplined and eager to learn. He had a passion and drive to better himself and even if Jaebeom didn't really express it in words, he did look up to Jinyoung in many ways, especially his confidence. If their company CEO asked them to do something new, to take the lead, Jinyoung would always be ready for the challenge while Jaebeom hesitated, thinking about the complications and all the things that could go wrong. While he pondered over how best to not appear awkward in front of the camera, Jinyoung was already writing down his lines and even making suggestions about Jaebeom's responses.

  
It did annoy Jaebeom sometimes, he wasn’t a teacher’s pet exactly but he was used to being a model student despite his temper, while Jinyoung was the rebellious one from what he’d gathered from the hilarious stories Jinyoung would tell him about his school days. Jinyoung was the youngest in his family of five. He was used to having his own way, being cared for, not having to take the lead on anything as he was babied by literally everyone, popular in school because of his cheeky smiles and his angelic face. One pout from Jinyoung could solve any problem for him.

But that was childhood, his life as a trainee had woken him up, slapped him hard with the possibilities of failure and rejection. Yet Jinyoung had proven himself more than capable of being adaptive to any and every situation, a rare and admirable trait in someone as spoiled as him. At the end of the day Jaebeum was really glad to have a dongsaeng like Jinyoung who looked up to him. Whose admiration for him made Jaebeom want to be the inspiring Hyung that Jinyoung already saw him as.

  
But there were moments, when Jinyoung would take Jaebeom completely off guard. Others might not understand Jinyoung's intentions and that made Jaebeom worried sometimes. Like now, Jinyoung hadn't thought about the implications of his stupid bet. His brain had just come up with something and he had spit it out. Jaebeom knew that was just how comfortable Jinyoung was with him. In front of everyone else, he was careful and conscious about not saying anything inappropriate but with Jaebeom he could say anything with confidence even if he didn't mean it.

  
“I don't know why I said it Hyung. I don't even remember what I asked you in the first place.”

Jinyoung looked back down into his book like a kicked puppy. Jaebeom sighed again.

“You asked me if I had sex. Yes I did. You asked me how it was. It was awkward and fun at the same time. When your time comes, you'll find out. But there's one thing you need to be careful about, be careful about hurting the other person.”

“Why would I hurt you?!”

“No, I meant, when you're... in the moment, it's hard to control yourself sometimes. And never forget to take precaution.”

“You mean condoms?”

“Yes.” hissed Jaebeom through gritted teeth.

Sometimes he forgot that Jinyoung had no filter on his mouth when they were alone, that Jinyoung wasn't much younger than him, that he was more tech savvy, that he spent a lot of time on the Internet and that he probably only needed Jaebeom to confirm the things he already knew.

Jaebeom was a very private person. He didn't really like talking about his sex life, but of course, Jinyoung being Jinyoung would never let him rest in peace until he had extracted every bit of information he could from Jaebeom.

  
It was only later when Jinyoung had bid him goodbye, thrusting the book he’d borrowed from Jaebeom back into his hands and Jaebeom was already half way through the chapter he had marked for himself that he realized the implications of what Jinyoung had said,

“Why would I hurt you?”

2019

“Hyung?”

“Jinyoungie?”

“Can I ask you something?”

And Jaebeom is immediately transported back in time, back to the past, back when Jinyoung would ask him anything and everything and he’d fumble around, torn between answering his weird questions in the best ways possible and trying not to kick him for having the audacity to ask said questions.

“I've been writing some songs for our next comeback. Can you take a look?”

“Me?”

“Yes?”

“Ofcourse, lay it on me.”

“Okay this first title, I stole from you.”

“From me? Is it called ‘Lim Jaebeom hearteu'?” Jaebeom asked innocently.  
Jinyoung rolled his eyes.

“You need to work on your aegyo more. And no, it's called Runaway.”

“Oh, you meant my Soundcloud?”

Jinyoung didn’t even bother to answer, his face stony.

“You listened to my new mixtape?”Jaebeom cocked an eyebrow, ready to attack Jinyoung, expecting him to blush or be flustered, show any sign that it was a secret guilty indulgence and not some normal, routine thing a musician friend does for another musician friend. But of course Jinyoung did none of that.

Jaebeom had been teasing him a lot, ever since Jinyoung had let him back into his life a little during their latest comeback preparations- flirting with Jaebeom on camera as usual but also speaking decently to him, without snapping, off camera. Voluntarily.

Jinyoung still spoke to him respectfully, still called him when he needed a bed warmer but he hadn’t let Jaebeom back into his heart, not yet. Jaebeom knew it was going to be hell and it was going to hurt, a lot, but he owed Jinyoung for putting up with his callousness for almost a decade. He could handle a few years of Jinyoung’s pettiness.

At the moment though, Jaebeom was bitterly wondering how Jinyoung doesn't have chronic headache with the amount of times he rolls his eyes in a single day.

“Hyung, will you read it or do I wait for one of the others to come back?”

Jaebeom felt annoyed. The rest of the group had gone out to dinner. Jinyoung had been in a meeting in some obscure part of the HQ building regarding some of his solo assignments and Jaebeom had chosen to stay back in the practice room trying to fine tune some of his expressions and gestures to their new choreography in front of the mirrors.

That's where Jinyoung had found him an hour later, breathless, fiddling with his phone trying to relax his sore muscles before he went home and showered. Jinyoung had dropped down next to him on the couch, his head resting on the back, exhausted. Jaebeom had given a casual glance, but before he realized, Jinyoung had caught him staring at him for a whole minute. Again. What was worse was that Jinyoung, instead of showing interest or irritation, just turned and closed his eyes back again, unaffected.

After a moment or so, his eyes flew open again and he started digging into his bag. Jaebeom watched him from the corner of his eyes feigning disinterest too, just so Jinyoung wouldn't get irritated further. God knows he'd caught Jaebeom staring at him more times than he could count that day, each time with less innocent intentions than before. Jinyoung knew what all the staring was leading up to but he seemed too tired to take the hint. So many missed opportunities, thought Jaebeom bitterly.

Finally Jinyoung stopped fiddling with his bag, removed a sheaf of papers filled with his own handwriting and thrust them unceremoniously into Jaebeom's lap. And that's how they ended up picking apart Jinyoung's song, going back and forth between lines, working out the best possible words to express what Jinyoung wanted to say, etc.

Jaebeom settled down to feeling content that at least his heart was being placated. Love made you like that, where just hanging out, being needed and having your opinion valued led to a gratification that could rival even the best makeout sessions.

It was the bare minimum, Jinyoung asking him to help with the lyrics, listening to his suggestions with such rapt attention, accepting most of them, gently rejecting others but Jaebeom's heart was already singing along to Jinyoung's words, already imagining ways in which he could get Jinyoung to think about him when going over the lyrics again, suggesting words and phrases that were so his signature style that even the fans would recognize where Jinyoung got his influence from. Jaebeom felt like a high school teenager with his first crush but that was just how Jinyoung was, always growing, always showing a different side, a different color to his personality that left Jaebeom in awe, always desiring more.

So Jaebeum leaned in before Jinyoung was even done talking. He kept his eyes open, relishing the mild shock in Jinyoung’s widened eyes before Jinyoung stopped him with a hand on his mouth.

“Hyung, what are you doing?”

“What do you think?” said Jaebeom, voice muffled by Jinyoung’s hand still on his mouth as he tried to push him away.

But Jaebeom wouldn’t relent. He’d been hinting on this the entire day with his not-so-innocent stares and smirks every time his eyes met Jinyoung’s during practice. They’d all moved out of the dorms ages ago. He rarely got to see Jinyoung outside of promotional activities, because Jinyoung had had a busier year than him, what with his new highly successful drama. Jaebeom had watched every episode once and all of Jinyoung’s parts atleast thrice, scoffing at the shallowness of the infamous kiss scene. He of all people knew Jinyoung could get more passionate than that. His fans seemed to like it though and Jaebeom tried not to be jealous of the fact that their huge international fan base was more open to their idol kissing a girl. They both enjoyed the solitary comfort of their own apartments, Jaebeom had his cats and Jinyoung had his sleep to catch up on.

So, Jinyoung knew exactly what was going to happen if he came within 10 feet of Jaebeom alone anywhere.

“The door’s unlocked you idiot!” said Jinyoung through gritted teeth.

“No one’s coming in.”

“Jaebeom!” Jinyoung hissed again and Jaebeom knew he was winning.

Jinyoung left all honorifics when he got real mad and he only got that mad when he was losing to his own impulses. He reached over to grab Jinyoung by the waist while his other hand tried to drag Jinyoung’s hand away from his mouth. Jinyoung allowed Jaebeom to scoot him closer despite being the stronger one, but kept his hand on his mouth.

Oh, well!

Jaebeom shrugged and pushed his mouth into Jinyoung’s hand causing it to bump against Jinyoung’s lips and Jinyoung’s back hit the couch. The next moment, Jinyoung’s hands were being pinned beside his head as Jaebeom leaned in again. Jaebeom could feel Jinyoung’s mouth twitch a bit against his own and he could have sworn that Jinyoung almost smiled. Atleast he wasn’t pushing him away anymore, something he could do very easily ever since he surpassed Jaebeom in the muscle department. But Jinyoung’s inherently gentle nature always overcame his bodily strength.

“Get off me Hyung...” he mumbled against Jaebeom’s mouth.

“No.”

Jinyoung grunted, annoyed, but still didn’t push him away. Jaebeom took it as encouragement, especially as seconds later he heard a tiny moan from beneath him. Jaebeom would have attributed that to his awesome kissing skills if his fingers hadn’t already been running circles on Jinyoung’s skin under his shirt.

“Aish! Jaebeom, stop!”

“Why?”

“You-just..don’t touch there!”

“Where?”

“You know where!”

“Why?”

“It’s-they’re sensitive!” Jinyoung turned his head to the side, blushing furiously.

“Exactly.” said Jaebeom with a smirk thumbing the sensitive nubs in question again.

Jinyoung shuddered and turned back to glare at him, grinding his teeth to hold back another moan. His face was redder than before, Jaebeom could practically feel the heat.

“It’s past midnight! Anyone could be coming to check-”

“Fine!”

Next second Jaebeom was standing up next to the couch, straightening his clothes and packing his bag with a serene smile on his face. When he was done, he turned to look back at Jinyoung, who had not moved an inch, his hands still beside his head, a scandalized look on his face.

Jaebeom admired him for a minute, taking in his red ears, his flushed face, his disheveled hair and his untucked shirt pulled up halfway on his torso, his abs exposed in all their glory.

“What?” asked Jaebeom with an innocent look.

Jinyoung snapped.

But not in the way normal people do. He snapped in a way that was so inherently Jinyoung that only the members and their managers knew he was in a rage. He got up from the couch quietly, his shirt falling back down to hang over his belt, his face pleasantly blank, he straightened his clothes, shoved his notes back into his bag with a flourish and walked out of the room at a moderate pace, his eyes and hands already on his phone, probably sending a text to his manager to come pick him up.

Normally Jaebeom would have kicked himself for riling up Jinyoung so much as to make him run away mid-makeout, but he couldn’t stop the grin spreading on his face. It was entertaining as hell trying to imagine Jinyoung walking out of HQ all calm and composed then rushing into the shower as soon as he got home to finish what Jaebeom had started.

A few minutes later, it didn’t feel so entertaining as Jaebeom trudged down the parking lot alone, looking for his car trying to rush home himself for the very same reason as Jinyoung. It was then that Jaebeom mentally kicked himself. He’d forgotten that they had a whole month off before practice began in earnest, a whole month where Jinyoung would be off doing God knows what solo project and Jaebeom would be making music for his Soundcloud shut up in his private studio.

He had a friend’s club opening to go to in the middle of the week and they would be playing his solos there but it wasn’t like he was going to take anyone home. Jinyoung might tell him to fool around, consider their arrangement as just that – an arrangement. But Jaebeom was in love with Jinyoung, he couldn’t even look at any other man or woman without thinking of how they were not Jinyoung. So, despite Jinyoung stressing time and again on the fact that he had a hall pass to hook up with whomsoever he felt like, he didn’t take it. And he knew on instinct, that Jinyoung didn't either.

Even now as he drove through the empty streets of Gangnam with a sensous R&B song from his music player washing over him soothingly, he thought back to how many times Jinyoung had run away from him over the years. Jaebeom had lost count but he knew for sure that every time, the cause had been him. His naivety, his ego, his stubborn belief in the fact that he was older, more experienced and therefore knew what was best for the both of them.

All that ended up doing had been to break Jinyoung’s heart and turn him into the carefully measured, walled-in man he was today. Jaebeom wouldn’t have flattered himself so much into thinking he was solely responsible, if Jinyoung hadn’t explicitly told him. More like screamed it at him in the middle of an argument all those months ago…

2018  
“I like JB san.”

“What?”

“I like JB san? Jinyoung?”

“Shut up Jaebeom!” Jinyoung hissed glancing at Yugyeom and making sure the snores were consistent.

They were alone in the car after that fateful live interview for their latest Japanese comeback. Or as alone as they could be with their manager driving and Yugyeom sleeping, his head lolling on Jaebeom’s shoulder in the back seat.

“What? You’re the one who said it for the whole world to hear!”

“It-I didn’t mean it like that, can you keep it down!” whispered Jinyoung furiously.

“Jinyoung!”

“What?!” said Jinyoung through gritted teeth.

Silence.

"What?" Jinyoung asked again, turning around to glare at him.

"Don't you think it's a bit much? You know how their minds are, they'll take it and run away with it." said Jaebeom.

"Look, I handled the situation the best way I could okay. They know I was kidding. It's you who made it all awkward and weird. Why did you have to get so flustered anyway?" Jinyoung said defensively.

"I-I don't know. I'm not a good actor like you okay. Next time give me a hint that you're joking."

"Why Hyung, what makes you think I wasn't joking? You've known me for years, you should know the difference between when I'm being serious and when I'm being sarcastic!"

The car is eerily silent and Jaebeom realizes that Yugyeom's breathing has slowed down a bit. Meaning, he was awake and pretending. Jaebeom didn't blame him for not wanting to be a part of this extremely uncomfortable situation. Heck, he didn't want to be a part of it either. But he'd brought it up himself and he'd have to see it through until they reached some sort of agreement.

Jinyoung had already turned back to the front when he didn't answer. He was fuming and Jaebeom knew he was being unfair to Jinyoung. He had handled it all admirably well, it was Jaebeom who had given himself away. Maybe, the reason he had snapped at Jinyoung is because he felt guilty for being that weak himself. He was the leader wasn't he? Yet Jinyoung had been the one, as always, to take the lead and provide him an escape.

“How long are you going to be gone? For the drama shooting I mean?” He asked Jinyoung tentatively, after another 10 minutes of seething silence.

He could hear the relief in Jinyoung’s voice as he answered shortly,

“5 months”

“Hmm, okay.”

“Why?”

“Nothing, just curious. Gyeom and I are gonna be away promoting for Focus."

"Oh yeah…good luck."

You think the others will miss us?”

“Not if they’re busy. We all got solo projects right?”

“Yeah but, who says we have to think about each other only when we have free time?”

Another pause.

“Will you think about us when you’re away shooting?” Jaebeom said, throwing caution to the wind.

Jinyoung was quiet for a moment. Probably wondering where Jaebeom was going with this.

“S-sure.”

“I’m going to think of you, all of you. Every day.”

“It’s not so bad, you’re gonna have Yugyeom. He’ll cheer you up like no one can.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Of course it’s not gonna be the same, having only one member beside you instead of six.”

“It wasn’t a problem before.”

“Before?”

“During Jsync.”

Another pause.

Jinyoung was quiet again. Jaebeom could almost hear his brain working hard to decipher the meaning behind Jaebeom’s words. 'He’ll get there. Eventually', thought Jaebeom. It had taken Jaebeom a lot to sum up the courage. Jinyoung was smart and he could read Jaebeom like an open book.

“How’s your girlfriend?”

'Or not.' Jaebeom thought bitterly.

“What girlfriend?”

“How many do you have?” Jinyoung asked, raising a thick eyebrow.

“She’s not my girlfriend anymore. Hasn’t been for almost a year, you know that.”

“You still talk to her a lot though.”

“We’re friends.”

“That’s complicated.”

“It’s not really.”

“How? You’re still close to her despite having loved her once, that doesn’t really go away.”

“It doesn’t?”

“No, you just push it to the background and try to be normal around them. Try not to sabotage anything that’s left.”

Jaebeom said nothing. He knew Jinyoung would realize soon enough the implications of what he was saying and try to backtrack. They’d been playing this game for almost the entire year, ever since Jaebeom had realized he was in love with Jinyoung and had started making it obvious.

He was right.

“I mean, that’s when you’re really in love with someone, if it was just infatuation it dies soon enough.”Jinyoung corrected himself quickly.

“Hmm…well I guess it was just infatuation with her then. I’ve found myself pretty normal around her so far. I even met her boyfriend last week.”

Jinyoung’s head remained carefully facing the front but Jaebeom could see his shoulders tense up.

“She has a boyfriend now?”

“Yup”

“And you have no problem with that?”

“I thought I would but when I met him, I didn’t feel much, surprisingly.”

“Not a thing?”

“Nothing significant.”

Another pause.

“Hyung, why- why did you really date her?”

“She was an amazing person.”

“Then why didn’t you have stronger feelings for her?”

‘Why aren’t you broken, sobbing, and dead inside?’ Jinyoung didn’t say out loud, but Jaebeom knew that’s what he was asking.

“She was amazing but-"

Jaebeom took a deep breath.

"-but she wasn’t you.”

Jaebeom could see Jinyoung’s back stiffen. Saw his brain fighting with his heart to dismiss every word that Jaebeom had just spoken, scramble to find an explanation, any explanation other than the most obvious one.

Jaebeom knew exactly why Jinyoung wouldn't just take his word for it, he'd been hinting at it all year, but his ego had always come in the way of outright confessing his feelings to Jinyoung and Jinyoung hadn't made it easy anyway, changing topics and finding excuses to run away almost as soon as Jaebeom got them alone for even a moment.

Jaebeom still didn't blame him, how could he? When he'd found it easier to confess his feelings to a girl he'd hardly known for more than two weeks but found it almost impossible to come out clean to one of his closest friends for almost a decade.

Perhaps it was because the stakes with Jinyoung were higher. If his girlfriend hadn't reciprocated his feelings, he would have felt bad for maybe a month or so, but with Jinyoung he stood to lose everything - not just their friendship but also their professional chemistry. Work would be a mess if things got too bad between them. They were supposed to be the mayonnaise that held the sandwich that was their group, wouldn't it all fall apart if Jaebeom indulged in his selfish desires without thinking about all possible complications?

Besides, other complications too were undeniable, since Jinyoung had had almost a year to delete any and every trace of his feelings for Jaebeom from his heart, and if Jaebeom could read Jinyoung right, he had succeeded wonderfully, even going back to teasing and joking around with Jaebeom off stage.  
Before Jaebeom could add anything to confirm Jinyoung’s worst fears, however, the car was already stopping outside Jinyoung’s apartment building and before Jaebeom could even say goodbye, Jinyoung had already jumped out slamming the door behind him and running inside without even a glance back.

“Way to go Jaebeommah!” their manager mumbled tiredly as he put the car back into gear.

He was their most senior manager, the only one who knew and supported them through thick and thin. “Wait-what the hell?”

Jaebeom had lunged forward and opened the car door again. Their manager hit the breaks just in time and Jaebeom jumped off.

“I’m going after him Hyung. You go ahead, drop Yugyeom off.”

“What about you? Do you want me to come back and get you? It’s late Jaebeommah!”

“I’m not going home tonight.”


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

2019

"'I like being in your arms?' Seriously? Are you trying to get us killed?"  
said Jinyoung in a monotone, about half an hour into the comfortable silence they'd been lying in on his bed.

He'd been scrolling through his texts as Jaebeom lay smiling at the ceiling, the very picture of serenity and contentment.

"Stop being dramatic Nyoungie." said Jaebeom rolling his eyes, without a falter in his smile.

"Don't 'Nyoungie' me. What the hell were you thinking Jaebeom?"

"I-I wasn't thinking okay, it was a joke."

Jaebeom could feel the mood shifting. He still tried to remain calm as Jinyoung spoke again, still feigning indifference,

"A joke?"

"Yes. Remember what a joke is? I make them too. Why is this even a big deal?"

"It's a big deal because that's not you. That's not how you behave in front of fans. You have an image to maintain or have you forgotten?"

"Oh come on Jinyoung!"

Jaebeom finally sat up to look at him while he determinedly kept his eyes on his phone.

"After all the things we have done together, I didn't expect you to blow up over something as small as this."

Finally, Jinyoung's expression changed into consternation as he looked at Jaebeom.

"I'm not blowing up! I'm just pointing out how sloppy you've been lately. As for the things we do, we do them in the privacy of my apartment Jaebeom, in my apartment! Not on a fucking live that cannot be edited!"

"I just, I didn't think that deep okay! And the fans don't mind. It's been weeks since that live now. They want me to open up more, joke around, have fun. You want me to go around with a frown on my face for the rest of my life because I have an image to maintain? I'm not an experienced actor like you." Jaebeom huffed, leaning back against the headboard and glaring at the opposite wall sullenly.

"Why does it always come back to 'acting' for you Hyung?"

"It's a backhanded compliment. Just take it and shut up."

Jinyoung looked like he wanted to say something but decided against it. He went back to scrolling through his phone with a stony face. For some reason, this irritated Jaebeom even more. Jinyoung could be very provocative when he wanted to be and Jaebeom bore most of the brunt of his mood swings. It didn't help that he was ready to handle all his pettiness, as long as Jinyoung deigned to speak to him voluntarily.

So he tried to mask his irritation with a bit of teasing,

"Come on Nyoungie! We were all in such a good mood. When I saw that beautiful blush on your face, I couldn't help flirting a bit okay!" Jaebeom winked.

"What blush? I wasn't blushing!"

"You totally were!"

"Was not!"

"It's okay. You'll see it for yourself when you monitor that live with your hawk eyes later."

"I don't have time for that bullshit anymore. I'm a busy man."

"Clearly.", Jaebeom smirked as he slowly and deliberately moved his eyes up and down a very naked Jinyoung lying next to him, phone in hand.

"Shut up."

"What? I didn't say anything."

"Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?" Jaebeom asked innocently.

"Like a bloody pervert. We almost grew up together, you've seen it all."

"You called me to your apartment, dragged me to your bedroom, almost ripped my clothes off before forcing yourself on me and now we're lying in your bed naked when we're supposed to be working on lyrics for your song, Jinyoung. I think you've got this the other way around."

"Forced myself on you?" Jinyoung spluttered.

Jaebeom snickered. Now that he had Jinyoung's complete attention, he wasn't going to let him get away.

"Would you like it if I did that to you?"

"You ripped my buttons off first! The shirt was very expensive! I was only fighting back!"

"After you practically smashed your lips to mine! I can still taste the blood and my teeth hurt!" Jaebeom countered.

"Don't you fucking dare pretend you hesitated for even a moment! I would have kicked you out in a second if you had!"

"Answer the question Jinyoung! Would you have liked it?"

Jaebeom was immediately reminded of that time all those years ago when he had asked Jinyoung an eerily similar question. But this time, he was looking for a yes instead of a no.

"I don't know okay! Wouldn't hurt if you took more initiative. Some people are into that shit." said Jinyoung, his voice lowered as he went back to his phone.

Jaebeom had an inkling they weren't talking about tonight anymore. It felt more like a reprimand for all his past actions. He felt just a little defensive, despite the voice in his mind that reminded him day and night that he had no right to be.

He'd been feeling so proud after Jinyoung's solo fanmeet performance a few weeks ago, he'd set up a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them in Jinyoung's hotel room after Mark's live. It had taken all the courage in his body to do it right under the noses of all their overseas staff who knew nothing about them. Buying all that stuff had been no different than a covert spy mission.

Jinyoung hadn't said much or thanked him, but he hadn't kicked him out either, which Jaebeom had counted as a major progress in their relationship slash agreement. They'd discussed Jaebeom's upcoming solo comfortably, Jinyoung even providing a few last minute suggestions and then moved on to the bed. Jaebeom had left Jinyoung's room later that night feeling pretty content.

He'd caught himself daydreaming about it more than a few times during the following weeks as they returned to Korea for their next schedule. This was the first time it had actually felt like a date and not an appointment.

But Jinyoung just had to go ahead and ruin the memory, weeks later, in lieu of reminding Jaebeom just how unaffected he had been by his efforts.

Jaebeom could still read him like an open book and he knew exactly what Jinyoung was trying to do, hiding his true feelings behind a mask of indifference so Jaebeom couldn't take advantage of his "weakness" again. So there was only so much Jaebeom could take.

"Are you?" asked Jaebeom quietly. "Into that shit?"

A pause.

"Yes."

"Look at you being honest about your feelings for once. Good job Nyoungie."

"Fuck you."

"Another confession? Do you want to? I don't mind. I wanna know what it feels like to be you." said Jaebeom, still teasing.

Another pause.

"Trust me. You don't." said Jinyoung and turned back to his phone, his face expressionless again.

They definitely weren't talking about sex now, Jaebeom thought apprehensively. Jinyoung had constantly and deliberately kept any emotion out of their interactions. He just couldn't understand Jinyoung's mood, there was something else going on with him lately, some inner turmoil that he didn't seem to be able to resolve.

"Jinyoung, I know…"

"No you don't. So don't even say it." Jinyoung glared at him.

"Okay I don't. But I've been trying real hard to understand, to make amends. You know I have."

Jinyoung looked away again.

Jaebeom turned to face Jinyoung completely now, taking his phone from his hands and placing it below his own thigh, out of the way. As Jinyoung let out a cry of surprise and indignation, he grabbed on to Jinyoung's now free hands. Jinyoung didn't pull away or acknowledge in anyway that he was listening. He simply looked away again, fuming.

"Don't shut me out Jinyoung. Please. Not anymore. I know I deserve it. God I know I deserve it. But please, you know, whatever this is, it isn't platonic for me. I know it isn't platonic for you either. I know you more than anyone else in this world Jinyoung. Please, stop pretending and talk to me. It's been months!"

"Hyung-"

Jaebeom smiled encouragingly. 

"I was in the middle of something important, can I have my phone back?"

"Wha-"

Jinyoung turned around to face him again, his expression cold.

"Move. I need to go. My manager's waiting for me at the hotel. We have an early morning meeting before we leave for the shooting location. I'll stay the night there. You can stay here or go home. Just make sure to lock the door on your way out."

Jaebeom opened and closed his mouth for a bit. At a loss for words.Then,

"No."

"No?" Jinyoung was already distracted, trying to get to his phone from underneath Jaebeom's thigh.

"I said no. You're not going anywhere."

"Excuse me. You don't get to decide that. Now move. I need my phone."

"No!"

"Jaebeom!"

"What happened to 'Hyung'?"

"Give me my phone, Hyung." Jinyoung said sarcastically, face still stony and indifferent.

"Not until you hear me out." said Jaebeom, grabbing Jinyoung's hand again.

"I heard you alright! I'm done. Gimme my phone. I'm late already!" Jinyoung tried to pull his hand out. It was a mark of how desperately Jinyoung wanted to appear indifferent that he didn't try hard enough.

"God will you just fucking listen to me for one fucking minute? I miss you okay! I miss you! Everytime we're apart I can't focus on anything else without linking everything back to you somehow! I've known for years and now you know too! I was a coward Jinyoung and I've apologized time and time again! Everything I do is about you, for you and it's been like that for years, even before I realized that I was in love with you! "

Jaebeom was shouting now, tears already blurring his vision, still holding Jinyoung's hand tightly, afraid that if he let go Jinyoung might just end whatever they had permanently. Hell he might still do it but not before Jaebeom has had his say.

But before Jaebeom could get another word in, Jinyoung exploded. Jaebeom had been waiting for over a year for Jinyoung to let go of his facade of careful indifference and it seemed like Jinyoung was finally at the end of his tether.

"Fuck you Hyung! I'm done listening to you! I've been listening to you for almost a decade. And guess what? I'm done! You and your bullshit reasons and justifications for everything you've done to hurt me! It's not me that hurt you Jaebeomssi, if I may remind you, it was you! You, you broke my hurt, you fucking jerk! I fucking hate you, I fucking hate myself for agreeing to this shit! For giving you another chance, for letting you fuck me because I thought if we did it enough we could get each other out of our systems and then you'd leave me the fuck alone like you've been doing for all these years! So no, I do not wanna fucking listen to you! I took the hint when you started dating, I tried so hard to keep our friendship, to appear normal around you, to treat you like a brother but no, you had to freaking turn around and tell me that you made a mistake, that you don't see me as a brother afterall, that you've had "feelings" for me all along!"

Jinyoung punctuated the word with air quotes in a mocking way. He was red all over, from his face to his chest, he was breathing heavily. His eyes were wet with angry tears but he wasn't crying, not yet.

"You're so selfish Hyung but I'm stuck with you until the end of our contract, so no! Don't you fucking dare tell me how hard it is for you! And this, this is over, we're over! Do you understand? We're done! I'm done!!"

Jinyoung was almost in hysterics now, managing to pull himself out of Jaebeom's grasp with a hard wrench. Jaebeom tried to grab his wrists again, to calm him down but ofcourse Jinyoung was stronger than him and before he knew it, he'd been pushed off the bed entirely. Jinyoung seemed to hesitate a bit, he clearly hadn't meant to be that violent, but then he just grabbed his phone and clothes and slammed the bathroom door shut behind him.

Jaebeom was still stunned, trying to comprehend what just happened before Jinyoung was already storming back out of the front door, slamming it shut behind him so hard that there was a shriek from Nora, whom he'd brought to hang out with Jinyoung. He immediately ran out to soothe her, before going back to the bedroom to clean himself up. It was after he'd showered, changed and was busy stripping the sheets from Jinyoung's bed to put on fresh ones as was his routine, that he lost it.

Falling to his knees, holding his chest, trying to stop his heart from exploding, Jaebeom bawled his eyes out for what felt like hours into the night, the only sound in the apartment being the hum of the air conditioner, the low mewling of Nora nuzzling his head and his own heart breaking all over again.

2018  
Jinyoung deliberately ignored the elevator and ran up the entire ten flights of stairs to his apartment without looking back even once. The thump of footsteps echoing behind him close enough to touch, but still maintaining a respectful distance. Once he reached his door, he turned around and sure enough Jaebeom was already panting like a dog, bent over, holding a stitch in his side. He was agile, stronger than Jinyoung, but he lacked stamina. So Jinyoung was quite understandably frustrated at the moment that Jaebeom just hadn’t given up mid way and gone back home.

He crossed his arms across his chest, looking at Jaebeom with a blank look.

“Yes?”

“I just...wan...want to talk..” gasped Jaebeom, still trying to catch his breath, possibly afraid that Jinyoung would run all the way to the rooftop if he didn't talk now.The thought had crossed Jinyoung's mind but Jaebeom didn't need to know that.

“About what?”

“Can I…come in...first?”

For a second Jinyoung considered not letting him in. But he’d worked hard, so hard to make sure their friendship was as normal as possible, he wasn't going to give in to his anger now. Sporting an admirable look of indifference, he punched his password in and held the door open for Jaebeom to get inside.

“Water?”

“Yes please”

Jaebeom’s breathing was mostly stable now as he looked around Jinyoung's living room, as if he was afraid to move away from the door incase Jinyoung tried to make a quick escape. Jinyoung felt the corner of his mouth twitch, then he remembered why Jaebeom was here and the anger returned. It was a small compensation that Jaebeom was still massaging the painful stitch in his side.

Jinyoung turned on all the lights in his apartment before grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator. He watched Jaebeom deliberately avoid his eyes while gulping down the water for some time. He waited. He had patience, a lot of it, but when Jaebeom had drunk all the water and just seemed to get redder every second without looking like he intended to say anything, he blurted out,

“Hyung, you alright? Sure Noona's not giving you trouble?”

“No. No. She’s fine. We talked last night actually. She’s coming over for dinner this friday with her boyfriend.”

“That’s nice.”

“She wanted me to invite you too.”

“That’s really kind of her. We got along so well when you two were together.”

“Yeah...yeah. I noticed. Kindred spirit she used to call you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah...she...she really misses talking to you.”

“But we do talk. Whenever we meet.”

“Outside of that.”

“I don’t know Hyung. Wouldn’t it be weird? She may be your friend now but to me she’s your ex first. I don’t want to accidentally say something to her you wouldn’t want me to.”

“You don’t-you don’t have to worry about that. Really. She knows everything about me...sometimes a bit too much.”

Jinyoung didn't think Jaebeom meant to say that last part out loud. He considered it for a while, quietly watching Jaebeom play with his own fingers looking like a kid asking his parents' permission for a sleepover.

“Okay. I’ll be there. You could have just texted me though.”

“No I couldn’t.”

“Sorry?”

“I mean, I couldn’t have texted what I really wanted to talk to you about.”

Oh boy. They were getting there. Jinyoung wasn't ready. Not now. Not ever.

“Hyung it’s getting late. I'm tired, you're tired, we’ll talk later.”

"No."

"Jaebeommah, we’ve just had an exhausting day. I don’t have time for chit chat." said Jinyoung, his tone a bit stern now.

"I just -"

"Hyung please, I just wanna take a bath and sleep." Jinyoung had started to gently push Jaebeom back to the foyer towards the front door.

"No...Jinyoung...just...stop!"

Jinyoung was quite taken aback when Jaebeom pushed jinyoung’s hand roughly from his arm and turned around to glare at him. He didn't let go of Jinyoung's hand though.

"We’re going to talk now! Not later!Now!"

Jinyoung was afraid. He knew what was coming but he also knew what he was going to have to do. He’d sworn to himself - never again. Never again would he let his own feelings spoil their friendship and he was going to keep that promise. So he waited with bated breath, looking everywhere but at Jaebeom, his hand fidgeting in Jaebeom’s stronger grip. Looking down at it, Jinyoung also swore to work harder in the gym.

“Jinyoungah, I know-I know I’m not the most-I know I’m not the most expressive person..."

Jinyoung still refused to look at him. Maybe if he didn’t interrupt, Jaebeom would just get over with it fast and leave, or maybe he’d realize how uncomfortable Jinyoung was and just not say anything at all.

“I think I like you. Really, really like you” said Jaebeom and Jinyoung froze, despite having guessed what was coming beforehand.

"In a non-brotherly way" Jaebeom added when he didn't move.

That's when Jinyoung’s entire body seemed to seize up. All he could hear was the quiet humming of his refrigerator, the muffled sounds of the busy seoul street below. Jinyoung was pretty sure he could even hear the gentle crackle of electric current moving through his walls.

And then heat, extreme heat, a burning that coursed through every pore in his body, beginning from his ears down to his feet. Before he knew it Jaebeom was wincing as the hand he held closed tightly around his own fingers. But Jaebeom didn’t pull away, neither did he say anything else. He didn't have to, one sentence was enough and Jinyoung was on fire.

Jinyoung looked up. He saw Jaebeom’s expression change from nervousness to downright fear. His grip on Jinyoung's hand loosened a bit.

But then, Jinyoung didn’t know what else Jaebeom saw in his eyes because Jaebeom’s face was changing again. His eyes were now reflecting the same heat that Jinyoung felt in his entire body. And Jinyoung felt like he would burst if he didn’t do something, anything to let that heat out.

So he did the first thing that came to his mind. He pulled Jaebeom in and smashed their lips together. Jaebeom let out a groan, and immediately grabbed Jinyoung tightly by the waist as their teeth clacked together, quickly nudging Jinyoung's lips apart with his tongue and deepening the kiss.

Jinyoung could taste blood but he had no idea whose it was. They were both biting and lapping and swirling their tongues until their lips were numb, their bodies molded together, groping and touching everything they could reach.

Jinyoung felt himself stumble back with the force of Jaebeom's kiss, his lower back hitting the kitchen counter, his thick sweater slightly cushioning the impact. He tried to respond with equal force, tried to push Jaebeom back with his mouth but Jaebeom seemed beyond sense or reason, pushing Jinyoung further back over the counter the harder Jinyoung tried to push away from it.

Finally, Jinyoung let go of Jaebeom to fall entirely back so he could catch his breath as Jaebeom didn't seem to be planning on stopping anytime soon. His legs were hardly touching the floor as Jaebeom leaned over him between his thighs, holding them up, forced to let go of the kiss. Jinyoung couldn't recall how they'd got into that position as they both gasped for air.

Once he'd caught his breath enough, Jaebeom looked back at Jinyoung with his piercing gaze. Seeming to realize his uncomfortable position, he proceeded to push Jinyoung further up the counter so only his calves remained dangling, jumped up easily to straddle his waist and dived for his mouth again.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, they broke apart gasping for air again. Jinyoung was still lying on the counter, Jaebeom's hands were still on his hips where they had slipped while jinyoung’s were still holding Jaebeom's face tightly, their foreheads touching, breathing in each other’s air.

Suddenly, Jinyoung let go.

“Get out.

“Wha..”

“Get out of my house. now.”

Jinyoung let go of Jaebeom’s face and pushed him off, getting down from the counter himself. He kept pushing Jaebeom until his back hit a wall, shock and hurt written all over his face.

“Go on, leave.” Jinyoung was calm as ever.

“Jinyoung, I just told you…”

“I don’t care. I'm tired, I’ve had a long day and I wanna sleep.”

Jaebeom didn’t say anything for a whole minute, just looking at jinyoung, shirt and hair still ruffled, lips swollen and bitten. Then he straightened up and walked towards Jinyoung with a determined look. Jinyoung turned his face to the side and backed himself into the opposite wall. But Jaebeom kept coming, so jinyoung put a hand on his chest to stop him.

“Hyung, I mean it. I’m tired and aching all over. I need rest. I have a shooting schedule tomorrow.”

“Talk to me.”

“No”

“Talk to me and I’ll leave I promise.”

Jinyoung felt his anger rise further.

“No!" he screamed. "You don't get to make bargains, you don't get to emotionally manipulate me okay Hyung?! Time and again you and the others accuse me of being cold and unbothered! But they don't know do they?! They don't know that you like me like this, do they? Isn't this what you wanted? Space, indifference, room to breathe from my constant attention? Now you have it. You can leave!”

"If that's what I have led you to believe then I'm not leaving until we fix this."

"There's nothing to fix! This is what I am!"

“No. This is not who you are Jinyoungie. And I’m staying here until you accept it.”

"You're gonna be here for a while then."

"I don't mind."

“I don't give a shit!" Jinyoung was screaming again. "When will it matter what I feel, to you or anyone else?! Sorry, to break it to you but I have a life of my own that does not always revolve around you Lim Jaebeom, no matter what you've been led to believe by the company or by the members or by fucking JYP himself! I'm not your second in command, I'm not the mom of the group, I'm not gonna be the rational one all the time and I'm definitely not your fucking wife! I’m going to bed! Go home or stay here, I don't care. You know where everything is!”

With that, jinyoung stormed into his bedroom and slammed the door shut.

2016  
Jaebeom felt bad, and guilty, for not sitting next to Jinyoung during the fanmeet, but he was still traumatized by the slogan on the t-shirt during their last concert, photos of which had been splashed all over the internet. He didn't know if it was a delusional fan or just someone trying to shame him and Jinyoung. He was used to fans shipping, writing fics, even photoshopping pics of him and Jinyoung.

But this, this was too far, for two reasons, one - it was blatant disrespect to wear it in a concert where none of the members could avoid seeing it and two - because it made him even more ashamed about his feelings for Jinyoung that he'd worked so hard to suppress, as if all he cared for was Jinyoung's body, not his beautiful heart or his amazing personality.

These assholes were the very reason he chose to stay away from Jinyoung in the first place. They scrutinized their every move, every glance, every unconscious touch and then trolled them for it all. What would happen if he really started dating Jinyoung? Jinyoung was a phenomenal actor. He knew how to handle the trickiest situations, smoothly turning uncomfortable or snide remarks into jokes.

But that T-shirt was something that Jaebeom knew had hurt and infuriated Jinyoung as well. And even if they were friends and Jinyoung was trying to act indifferent, Jaebeom, simply just wasn't as good an actor as Jinyoung.

He couldn't hide his discomfort the same way he couldn't hide his love. His eyes, often called intimidating, were ironically his most expressive feature. They refused to hide his inner turmoil as he tried to pluck up the courage to talk to Jinyoung normally when they all hung out or treat him the same as others on stage.

So he did the next best thing. He clung to Youngjae and Jackson, the two who made up his comfort zone and tried not to be jealous about Jinyoung practically sitting in Mark's lap all the time. Even though Jinyoung occupied a major part of his professional life, his brain and his entire heart, he just couldn't let himself go the way he could with Youngjae and Jackson. They could all read each other but these two made efforts to bring him a solution, to try to comfort him. Unlike Jinyoung, who just gave him inexplicable looks from afar, looks that might have been genuine concern but seemed more like pity to Jaebeom's confused heart.

And how the hell could Jinyoung even help him when he himself was the problem? His stupid love, his stupid words, his stupid, stupid, beautiful face! His accidental touches that sent electricity through Jaebeom like they had never before, his warmth that made Jaebeom's hair stand on end and his knees bobbing nervously in place even when they weren't looking at each other. And his eyes, God his piercing eyes that seemed to read through every facade that Jaebeom's flimsy effort at acting could conjure.

So yes, Jaebeom felt guilty for not going to him when Jinyoung patted the seat next to him, clearly inviting him to sit, and he hoped that fans wouldn't notice, but ofcourse, they did. Who was he kidding? They noticed things he wasn't even aware of himself, made up stories and theories about him that didn't even make sense to him. But sometimes, they hit the jackpot and now he was hitting himself mentally, ruing the fact that they'll finally realize that something was wrong between him and Jinyoung.

Jinyoung passed over Jaebeom's rejection as nothing and immediately involved himself in hitting and bullying Bambam playfully. But his insides were on fire. He couldn't hide his red ears but if he could get into a mock fight with the maknaes he might just be able to pass it off as exertion. Even when Jaebeom moved in to interrupt his conversation with Yugyeom to trap the maknae in a headlock, Jinyoung averted his eyes quickly towards his fans, his smile unwavering and unaltered, even as the corners of his eyes stung a bit. He knew Jaebeom was feeling guilty but he still kept his distance when they sang The Confession Song, kept himself as indifferent of Jaebeom's presence as he could.

So it fell on Jaebeom now to take the initiative and pretend like they were interacting when they really weren't. He kept revolving around Jinyoung like he was the sun and Jaebeom was pluto, kicked out of the planetary family but still there doing his duty. When he sang, "I love you", so close behind that Jinyoung could feel it vibrating down his entire body, Jinyoung deliberately moved ahead and started waving his arms, moving his own lips to the line looking directly at the fans because he knew they'd like it.

This way he could placate them and also prevent himself from crumbling down on the stage for the world to see, curled into a ball with his hand on his chest, like he did every other night in bed trying to muffle his groans before falling asleep exhausted. Jaebeom might not have even thought much about it but that one tiny rejection hit Jinyoung like a freight train. Just like everything Jaebeom did.

He was getting better though. Not at controlling his feelings, but hiding them. And he would keep practicing infront of the mirror, his knowledge about Jaebeom helping him conjure up various scenarios where things could get awkward between them, and then he'd come up with dialogues or facial expressions on how best to turn those moments into something funny or harmless. He had never practiced so much even for his stage appearances or acting roles as he did for his day to day interactions with Jaebeom.

He remembered the agony of their first ever world tour without the leader. How he'd pined for him everyday, telling him he missed him, texting him about their day, even when he knew he was probably annoying the injured leader. It took Jaebeom finally blowing up on the phone for Jinyoung to stop calling him again and again when he hadn't texted Jinyoung back for a whole day.

"Do you have any fucking idea how fucking hard it is for me to watch you all do your best, work hard while I lie here like a useless piece of shit? Can you stop fucking rubbing it in, how much you guys are having fun without me, how dispensable I am! I want one day of peace Jinyoung, just one day to forget about the tour that I'm not working my ass off for, the members who are striving without their stupid fucking leader and the management wishing me health in that condescending fucking way like I'm out here visiting clubs and getting laid! Did it ever cross your mind that even if I am happy that you guys are doing well for us, I wanna be a selfish prick for one day and wallow in my own misery before I can properly celebrate another successful concert with you all. God Jinyoung, can you not take a fucking hint?!!"

"Hyung, I-"

But all Jinyoung could hear was silence, Jaebeom had cut the phone and now the shivers came, the tears... but he couldn't cry, no. They were supposed to go out for a celebratory dinner with the staff. If he started now, he'd never be able to stop and then it would all be over. He'd have to make something up to appease the staff and then come clean to Jackson and Mark in the privacy of their room.

In the end, he didn't have to do anything. Not even five minutes after cutting the call, Jaebeom had called him back to apologize. He hadn't given an excuse or any justification for his behaviour and Jinyoung was glad he didn't, or he might be tempted to lash back at him without restraint.

Although Jinyoung had forgiven him, and he'd rather chew cud than admit to Jaebeom how much he'd hurt him, he couldn't deny that his ego had taken a huge hit. As friends, they'd fought with each other countless times before, but something was different this time. Jinyoung had felt not only anger and resentment, but also hurt and heartbreak. Unlike before, he had been worried more about the reason for Jaebeom's anger than winning the argument.

Wanting to cry over Jaebeom's words, when they were all so used to his sudden mood shifts and blow ups? Jinyoung couldn't recognize himself in that moment.

Was it because it had been a long time since Jaebeom had directed his anger at him or anyone else for that matter? He was rude every now and then, depending on his mood, but the members always put him in his place, even the maknaes. Jinyoung was confused, but he didn't have time to sort through these new feelings.

Maybe they had been lying dormant within him for years, only just coming out because of the distance between him and the source of his torment?

He'd finally gone down to dinner with a lighter but much more confused heart.

2017  
Jaebeom knew he deserved it. God he knew deserved it! But he still couldn't help feeling a bit disappointed at jinyoung's lack of persistence. Jinyoung had been surprising him in this department for a few months now.

Ever since he'd started dating his girlfriend, he'd noticed these subtle changes in Jinyoung. It had started with Jinyoung refusing to acknowledge or talk about that fateful evening at the Han River.

Once Jaebeom had mustered up the courage to follow Jinyoung back home, he had found him curled up next to Mark on the dorm couch with popcorn in his hand and casually bantering with Jackson and Bambam about what movie they were watching, like he hadn't just run away from Jaebeom bawling his eyes out an hour ago.

When Jaebeom had entered, it had been very clear that Jinyoung tensed up a bit, but then he had gotten distracted by Yugyeom scolding both him and Jackson for acting like immature kids. Contrary to popular belief, the three maknaes were the ones most involved in maintaining peace at home than the other members. Jinyoung least of all.

Yes, he was gentle and caring, but when things didn't go his way he was the biggest, most unreasonable brat and no one knew what to do with him, except probably Youngjae. Youngjae with his no nonsense attitude would just barge into Jinyoung's room, tell him God knows what and then he'd return to the living room holding Jinyoung's hand, proceeding to curl up with him on the couch or just leave him there to awkwardly make peace with whichever member he was fighting with.

Jaebeom was the leader but he relied a lot on his members to keep their group together. They loved each other like siblings, fought with each other like siblings, waged wars over who hurt whose ego first and then they made up. They were all equal parts mature and immature, still growing in their individual ways but joined together by their familial loyalty towards each other.

But they were all going home soon. And Jaebeom would be left with Jinyoung alone. They still had a month of promotions to look forward to and Jaebeom didn't know how he was going to survive with Jinyoung keeping their off camera interactions to the bare minimum.

Despite his reservations, the promotion period was the most comfortable they'd both ever been. They didn't have to pretend to be friendly off camera, and it was actually nice reminiscing about their times during their Jsync days.

Before he knew it, Jaebeom had become a bit too comfortable and honest while answering interview questions, even taking the initiative to make jokes, goof around and tease Jinyoung about not naming him as his soulmate on a radio show they were hosting. It all became easy because Jinyoung laughed and dismissed everything as a joke. Jaebeom had thought it would be painfully awkward since he was dating his girlfriend but spending more time with Jinyoung than her. But Jinyoung made it really smooth and easy for him.

So easy that Jaebeom started questioning himself, if he hadn't simply misinterpreted Jinyoung's actions at the Han river that day. Maybe, Jinyoung had just been upset about the fact that Jaebeom hadn't told him sooner... 

But no, Jaebeom could never forget the look in Jinyoung's eyes. It wasn't simple hurt at being kept out of the loop, it was betrayal of the deepest sense.

Remembering that look on Jinyoung's face still brought pain to Jaebeom, his chest tightening, a pang going through his heart. Why did it hurt him so much? Clearly, it had worked. Jinyoung seemed to have gotten the message and gone back to normal, so why did Jaebeom miss the push and pull that their uncertain feelings for each other brought with them? Why did he miss the hope and pride in Jinyoung's eyes whenever Jaebeom smiled at him, put his arm around him or praised him for a job well done. Why did he miss the hurt that sprung up in Jinyoung's eyes whenever Jaebeom pushed him away.

Why did he miss Jinyoung being in love with him?

2019

Winning the Daesang had been a dream come true. None of them could believe it. Jaebeom even forgot about the agony of his meeting with Hype ent. heads about the re-negotiation of 7for7's contract. It had brought back all the memories of the day he and Jinyoung had been called in to talk about the discontinuation of Jsync.

But more than that, Jaebeom had finally, finally plucked up the courage to look at Jinyoung in the eye during the award ceremony. They'd gone back to flirting on camera and ignoring each other off it completely in the past few weeks.

Jaebeom, despite knowing he was the guilty one for pushing Jinyoung over the edge, felt his old habits haunting him again, where he acted out like a cornered animal, lashing out to wound. He couldn't control his emotions one day to the next. He found himself unable to sleep, and took out the resulting frustration on everyone else. He didn't shout and scream at them like he used to, but he knew the members found his stony silences and indifference just as annoying. He could see no difference in Jinyoung. He'd thought he'd finally made a crack in his armour after their latest fight, but Jinyoung had just gone back to being the perfect dongsaeng, respectful, cheerful and flirty on camera while ignoring his existence off it.

This regression of events frustrated Jaebeom so much that his moodiness started to show on stage again. He found it harder and harder to put on fake smiles and be playful with Jinyoung during fan meets after their latest comeback. It was one of their most successful ones yet. He tried to act normal, even letting out a few genuine laughs with Youngjae, Jackson and the rest. But with Jinyoung, he found himself being sullen again.

Though unlike before, he did respond to Jinyoung's whispers and jokes, but his responses just like his smiles were strained, so much so that the fans of Jsync particularly started noticing. Some of them even asked him if he was well, and though it warmed his heart, it could do nothing to placate his heart break.

However, winning the Daesang changed everything. They'd been waiting for it for six years, longer for Jinyoung and Jaebeom, as he heard Jinyoung's voice shaking and cracking with emotion while giving the winning speech, he knew nothing else mattered but this. Them, their five brothers, their group and their shared dreams which were coming true one by one.

So he pushed aside the vindictive feelings of his darkened heart and placed a protective arm around Jinyoung's waist when he felt Jinyoung's arm on his back. He knew he'd done the right thing when he felt Jinyoung lean into their embrace and squeeze him back while still speaking into the mic, before letting go.

And just like that, he knew, something had changed. Jinyoung had tried to communicate something to him through that brief hug and though it'd have to wait until they were all back home safe, he felt his spirit soaring even further, and couldn't remember a night as beautiful as this one no matter how hard he tried.

2018  
4 weeks after the fight,  
Jaebeom picked up the phone as soon as he saw the name.

"Hey..." He sounded nervous even to his own ears.

"Hey Hyung. What are you doing?"

Jinyoung's voice was normal, smooth, as if they hadn't had a huge fight just a few weeks ago.

"Never mind me. How are you? Listen, Jinyoung, are you home? Can I come over?"

There was a long silence at the other end.

"Yeah, I'm home. Bring lunch."

"Okay. I'll be there as soon as I lock up the studio."

"And Hyung…"

"Yeah?"

"Bring Nora too. I haven't seen her in a while."

"Okay."

2019  
4 hours after getting home from Vietnam early in the morning, Jaebeom picked up the phone as soon as he saw the name.

"Hey..." He said nervously.

"Hey Hyung. What are you doing?"

Jinyoung's voice was low, shaky, as if he'd been crying.

"Jinyoungie, are you okay, are you home yet?"

There was a long silence at the other end before Jinyoung spoke, his voice still shaking.

"Yeah. I'm home. Come over. I'll make you a snack or something."

"Okay. I'll be there as soon as the cats have settled down."

"Hyung…"

"Yeah?"

There was another silence, the only sound being Jinyoung's heavy breathing and Jaebeom's own heart thumping loudly.

"Bring Nora too."

"Okay"

2018

As soon as Jaebeom took off his shoes at the entrance to Jinyoung's apartment, he felt himself being pulled inside. Jinyoung didn't speak a word but led him all the way to his bedroom and pushed him down on his bed.

"Okay, let's do this." said Jinyoung as he took off his shirt.

Jaebeom was momentarily stunned looking at Jinyoung's torso in all its glory. Jinyoung was clearly working out for his lead role. But then Jinyoung was straddling him and pulling him into a kiss. It was heaven, all soft and warm and comfortable. A sense of being home. A sense of security.

But there was something else, urgency, anxiety, uncertainty, all radiating from Jinyoung. It became even more pronounced as Jinyoung pulled Jaebeom's hand to rest on his hips and deepened their kiss, pushing Jaebeom until they fell back on the bed. Jaebeom wanted to give in, to ignore his own growing anxiety and just concentrate on pulling Jinyoung even closer to him, to listen to his heartbeat and the sounds of his moans that could be barely heard over Jaebeom's brain constantly firing alarm signals at him.

"Jinyoung, stop." said Jaebeom, pushing Jinyoung gently by the shoulders, forcing him to look Jaebeom in the eye.

"What?" Jinyoung asked, clearly frustrated.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Isn't this what you wanted?"

"Ofcourse it is!"

"Then what's the confusion?" Jinyoung asked reaching for his lips again.

"Stop, Jinyoung!" said Jaebeom, now pushing Jinyoung completely off his lap and sitting up.

For a moment, Jaebeom could clearly make out the hurt in Jinyoung's eyes that he was so used to seeing for years. But then the mask was back on. Jinyoung just sat up beside him and gave him a piercing look.

"Hyung, if you don't want this, leave right now. I'm not gonna sit here all night to help you sort through that muddled brain of yours."

"I want you Jinyoung. But not like this. I mean, like this too, but not just like this. I like you."

"Fine, you like me. I just wanna get laid. We're both on the same page now. Can we get back to business now?"

"That's-no-we're not on the same page."

"Hyung, I don't have time for this right now. If you wanna do it, just do it or leave. I've had enough shit from you for years."

Jaebeom didn't move. How could this be _his_ Jinyoung? So callous, so cold hearted, so unfeeling?

But wasn't he responsible for it himself? Jinyoung had said so. Jinyoung had known about his feelings before he did himself, Jinyoung had allowed Jaebeom to string him along giving him mixed signals for years. And now Jinyoung was offering a truce. A sort of business deal.

But Jaebeom was sure his gentle, caring, sensitive Jinyoung was still in there somewhere. And until Jaebeom could bring that Jinyoung back again, he would play by his rules.

This time it was Jaebeom who pushed Jinyoung back on the bed and he didn't pull away until they were both done and Jinyoung told him to go back home.

And that's how it started.

Late 2019

As soon as Jaebeom turned around to take off his shoes at the entrance to Jinyoung's apartment, he felt two strong arms grab him from behind, and a forehead placed on his shoulder. Jaebeom laced his arms over Jinyoung's across his chest and waited patiently. He could feel Jinyoung shaking and a wet spot growing on his back where Jinyoung was hiding his tears.

Finally, when Jinyoung seemed to calm down a bit, Jaebeom gently turned around and held Jinyoung's tear swollen face into his hands. He didn't know what to do, what to say. He just knew that he never wanted to see Jinyoung this broken ever again.

"I love you." said Jaebeom simply. The only thing he could come up with that felt right. 

Jinyoung looked up to meet Jaebeom's eyes with his own red ones, still sniffling. And finally, after a long, long time, Jaebeom could detect no signs of hatred, no accusations, no resentment, nothing except vulnerability and another, yet undefined emotion.

"I hurt you, didn't I?" said Jinyoung, his voice breaking.

"No-"

"Don't lie to me Lim Jaebeom. Never again!" said Jinyoung, glaring, squeezing Jaebeom's arms in warning as Jaebeom held his face tighter still.

"Yes."

"And you still love me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you're an idiot who loved me despite all my flaws but expect me to run away once you showed me yours."

Jinyoung was silent for a long time. Just watching. Jaebeom allowed him. He was clearly steeling himself to say something and Jaebeom wasn't going to push him into it. Jaebeom knew they had finally come to a crossroad. Either Jinyoung would decided to hold his hand and take Jaebeom with him, or he would take the road that led him away from Jaebeom.

Jaebeom tried to brace himself for the inevitable. Jinyoung was clearly killing himself, feeling guilty for treating Jaebeom so callously, and now he was either going to permanently end whatever little friendship they had left and tell him that he wasn't going to renew their contract with the company, or he was going to take pity on Jaebeom and stay.

"Loves." croaked Jinyoung.

"What?"

"Loves, not loved."

"Hunh?"

Jaebeom knew exactly what Jinyoung was saying but he was afraid, he was afraid to misread Jinyoung's feelings and jump into the ravine of uncertainty all over again. Back to square one.

"I'm an idiot who still loves you." said Jinyoung, letting out a breath, as if he was pulling his entire soul out of his body and laying it neatly at Jaebeom's feet.

"A-are you sure?"

"Ofcourse I'm sure! Hyung, if it's too much for you-"

But before Jinyoung could continue, Jaebeom pulled him into a tight hug with a loud sob. He felt Jinyoung's fingers carding through his hair interspersed with whispers of, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Hyung, please don't cry."

Finally,after what felt like an eternity, Jaebeom found some semblance of control and looked back into Jinyoung's eyes.

"What have I done to you?" Jinyoung cried, littering Jaebeom's face with kisses, all over his cheeks, his lips, his eyes and his nose.

"Nothing I didn't do to you first." said Jaebeom taking Jinyoung's hands that were holding his face and kissing them gently one by one.

"Hyung, it's not a competition." said Jinyoung, the corners of his mouth twitching.

"Yeah well. You _would_ say that, because I won fair and square." said Jaebeom sniffing. 

"Oh yeah, well who's the one crying like a bitch at my door right now?"

"You started it." said Jaebeom looking at his fingernails with a smug look.

"Fuck you." said Jinyoung, and turned around in a huff.

"That's the idea." said Jaebeom as he grabbed Jinyoung's hand and pulled him towards the couch.

Contrary to what Jaebeom said though, all they ended up doing was kissing and crying and exchanging bitter words before apologizing and going back to kissing and crying again.

"Promise me one thing Hyung."

"Anything."

"Lets not hurt each other ever again."

"Then promise me one thing in return."

"What?"

"Let's never lie to each other ever again. At least not about this, not about us. Deal?"

"Deal."

Finally, finally, they were back on one page. Their union hadn't been something out of a romance novel or a drama. No big epiphanies or grand running through the airport security. But it had been everything that was completely Jaebeom and Jinyoung. The fated coming together of two parts of a whole.

And if Jaebeom wasn't sure of anything else in his life, he was sure of this,

Park Jinyoung was his soulmate and he wasn't going to run away from him anymore.

\- The End -


End file.
